Guest Blog Spot - Boys Don't Cry
I guess I should begin this by introducing myself, I’m Christopher, in my thirties and this is the first time speaking to anyone apart from a handful of people about my mental health. During my teens and early 20s I struggled with my mental health. Not a lot of people who know me will know this as I was particularly good at covering up my struggles and like many males am particularly bad at talking about my emotions and general health. It’s this subject of silence and men’s mental health that I emailed Rach asking if I could address on her blog, so here goes nothing.
Silence is deadly might be a blunt phrase to use as an introduction to my guest spot on Rach’s blog, but it’s true. 75 per cent of all suicides in the UK are male and suicide is the number one killer of men under the age of 45 throughout the country. One of the reasons for this is boys are told and grow up with a culture of having to man up, to not talk about our problems and that emotions are for girls. There is no truth to any of this and the culture of silence of this creates is truly deadly.
The only way, all be it the hardest way, to address your mental health is to speak about it. I know this from personal experience. At age 14 I developed an eating disorder. I’d always been athletic and health conscious but I remember distinctly starting to feel uncomfortable about my body at age 14. I can even more vividly remember when normal teenage anxiety started to manifest itself into something more worrying, I was on holiday with my parents and brother and can remember not just feeling body conscious but more disgusted and ashamed. From this moment my behaviour started to change. I began skipping meals, throwing out my lunches and as my self-loathing worsened making myself sick and self-harming. I was always aware that how I felt and how I was acting wasn’t how things should be but I didn’t know how to speak up for help or who I could speak to. I also certainly didn’t know any other boys with eating disorders. I felt alone and trapped by my own self-loathing and a male culture of silence.
The above cycle of self-loathing and self-disgust followed by extreme action to alleviate it went on for years unchecked. If I skipped a meal, or made myself sick or self-harmed the feelings of disgust went away and I felt like I could cope again if just for a short time. However, all of these actions were taking a visible toll on me physically and mentally and after years this was becoming noticeable. Eventually family and friends spotted something was wrong and raised the issue with me. I was lucky to have supportive family and friends and to be in a position where I really wanted help but didn’t possess the skills to ask for it. Once I was approached I agreed to seek help and speak to my doctor. Doing so was terrifying but years later I recognise now that, that first trip to my doctors and finally speaking about what I was going through was life changing for me.
The doctor recognised instantly something was wrong and convinced me to attend some therapy sessions and to attend a specialist eating disorder clinic as an outpatient. Each visit to the eating disorder clinic was terrifying I was often the only male in the centre and felt lonely but I persevered because deep down I knew that those trips to discuss what was going on and to get the support I needed to begin recovering were saving me from myself and giving me the tools I needed to grow positively as a person.
After successfully completing my treatment I was discharged and privately felt an enormous sense of pride in what I had achieved. I can’t say there weren’t some relapses afterward and my years at university were hard. But I’d learnt the value of speaking out and knew when things did take a turn for the worst all I had to do was speak to someone and help wasn’t that far away.
Writing this and speaking about some of my mental health struggles was a big step for me but I hope that in doing so I can set an example for men to speak out and speak to each other about mental health. Whilst learning not to stay silent wasn’t the only thing that saved me, I had to change my behaviour as well, it was the first step to making positive changes. The statistics that started this blog show that in my experience I was not alone, men are struggling with their mental health at an alarming rate. Knowing you aren’t alone as a male in these struggles is important, because if more of us know we aren’t alone then may be also more of us will be inclined to speak out about our experiences and as we talk our problems are shared and solutions become apparent and hopefully that number of 75 per cent begins to reduce.
If you are a male reading this and want help with eating disorders and mental health struggles please don’t suffer in silence these links may help you:
https://mengetedstoo.co.uk/
https://www.thecalmzone.net/