Talk That Talk . . .

Last night I had an eventful evening, I unfortunately broke down on my way home from work and was sat roadside for 4 hours before I could be rescued. . . not the most ideal of situations. However, trying to make the best of that situation it did give me plenty of time to go through my messages and I came across one that got me thinking. The person in question, suspects that their friend is suffering with depression at the moment but is unsure on how to deal with it correctly. Could I help them approach it?

Let’s be straight from the get go. I am in no way a qualified professional and can only draw on my own experience. It doesn’t cover the wide range of mental disorders that exist but I am passionate in starting conversations about mental health. I honestly believe that this is the only way to break down the stigma that surrounds it.

We all have mental health. Right now you might be mentally well or mentally unwell and at some point in our lives we will all experience lows and highs. That’s the beauty of life. You become mentally unwell when the lows seem to continue for prolonged periods of time.

So if you suspect that someone you care about is suffering, how do you deal with it? How do you start the conversation?

There is many ways you can approach it. What I will say is that it needs to be handled sensitively. Personally I was in a denial state for a very long time that there was anything wrong with me. I certainly would have pushed anybody away that had confronted me bluntly on my issues. At that time I didn’t feel I was as able to be honest about my struggles as I am now.

So start with “How are you?” or “I’ve noticed you’ve not been yourself recently, are you ok?” seems simple right? The ball is then in that persons court as to whether or not they want to continue that conversation. The annoying thing about being British is that we are ever so polite and don’t like to burden others with our issues. But if faced with a blockage a simple “you know you can talk to me” or “I am here for you if you need me” can be all the assurance that person needs.

If the person wants to talk then listen and listen without judgement. Don’t be afraid to talk about it with them. Just be mindful that you are not making them feel like their issues are insignificant. Simply being there for that person will mean a lot.

Give that person your time and remind them you care. A simple text, phone call or offer of a cup of tea goes a long way. The conversation doesn’t always have to be about mental health. But just knowing you thought of them helps. Send them a joke, ask them to do something with you. Just let them know they are not alone. I am lucky I have incredible people in my life. My support come in form of text messages, 20 seconds hugs (it releases endorphins), long walks, dinner dates, phone calls and care packages such as the below. The small gestures mean the most.

But most of all just be patient with them. They may not be ready to tell you what’s up. Don’t force the issue and remember they are not in control of how they are feeling some days will be better than others.

I’ve had two very different experiences of having to start Mental Health Conversations where I was the person that needed the help.

The first time round was with PND commonly known as post Natal Depression. Looking back now I view the situation as quite comical but at the time it was far from it.

When my daughter was 4 weeks old I had arranged to meet my friends for breakfast at a local garden centre. Now for a start this was a ridiculous idea. What type of sleep deprived, first time mum is ever going to be ready for a breakfast meet. I had put myself under pressure to get out of the house and complete a 20 min drive by 9 am in some sort of socially acceptable dressed state. My daughter suffered with reflux so feeding her was a nightmare. She’d scream and then projectile vomit. I was going through multiple changes of clothes for us both and surviving on 2 hours sleep a night!

I arrive at the garden centre 1 hour late and attempt to get my buggy out of the back of my vintage Corsa. Of course I’ve picked the biggest, heaviest pram known to mankind that the world’s strongest man would have struggled to lift out of the back of the car. Do you think I could get the catch to release to enable me to put the pram up . . . . NOPE! Then my daughter start to cry and I did to. I rung my friend to come and help me, at which point she finds me in the car park sobbing, kicking the S*!t out of my pram. I literally picked it up, threw it back in the boot, got in my car and drove off before she had a chance to even attempt to help me.

20 mins after I got home the doorbell goes. My friend is at the door with tissues and chocolate and simply said “you know, I think you might be finding this a little bit tough and that’s ok” lots of sobbing later and I could tell her that I was so overwhelmed with everything. A phone call to my then husband confirmed that he was also worried and had booked me an appointment to my GP. That was all it took to get me talking. Extra health visitor visits and paediatric appointments later life started to improve.

The second time around with Anxiety was not so easy. Whenever I was probed as it if I was ok my answer would be I’m fine. Unbeknown to me I’d been living in a defiant ‘I’m fine ‘state for about 18 months. When it was clear to those close to me I was really wasn’t ‘ok.’

Then one morning I cracked. I had an enormous panic attack to the point where I convinced myself I was having some sort of cardiac arrest and I couldn’t breathe. I had no idea what was wrong with me other than a very real fear that I was dying. This time the decision to talk was made for me. My mum took me to my GP and 45 mins of continuous talk later I realised I didn’t need an ECG, I had high functioning anxiety and needed a course in CBT and some medication. Then I started to talk to people about how I was feeling, this blog was born and I am now very comfortable in having mental health conversations and I’m honest with those around me when I am having a bad day because I need their help to get me through it. In turn they have shared their struggles with me and I have really changed my view on all mental disorders. It really is time to talk.

So moral of the story is don’t be afraid to have conversations whichever side of the fence you are on. Just have them and be kind and support each other always. Life can be amazing and it can be tough but we don’t have to go through it alone.