Under Pressure . . .
In the last 7 days I have presented 3 pretty big presentations. The type that require a microphone and people in the room,of a much senior level to you. For some of you reading this you might be like, 'so what'. What’s the big deal? When you suffer from anxiety it’s a pretty major deal, the kind of deal that steals your sleep and wakes you up at 4am in the morning.
If I think back to as recently of 6 months ago, there is no way I would have been able to stand up in front of all those people and deliver a presentation without bursting into tears or being so anxious that I would have been absent from work. I’ve come such a long way to the person I was back then.
12 years ago I was a holiday rep in Majorca (no, not that sort of rep, I was a good wholesome Family Rep . . . . based in Magaluf, but that’s a blog for another day) I was truly comfortable in my own skin and confidence was not an issue. I lead a team of 12 reps and would deliver welcome meetings on a daily basis and held team meetings to keep my hard working team updated and motivated. Even before this I was part of drama clubs, local theater groups and dance schools, being centre stage was never really issue for me until anxiety set in and I started to question everything about myself and really gave myself a hard time.
I’ve been working really hard to fight that demon, I’ve signed up to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), been practicing mindfulness, writing, using my mind journal and knitting . . which totally rocks!!!
I made a conscious decision that I would never allow anybody to dull my sparkle ever again. I decided to go back to basics and rediscover my identity and find out who ‘Rachel Walker’ is. Because I am so much more than a Mum and Manager and Anxiety certainly doesn't define me. I declared to a friend whilst drunk that I was ‘F@#King Awesome’ and I’m starting to believe I am. I’ve been spending lots of time with people that bring nothing but absolute joy into my life and whilst historically my taste in men have been nothing short of appalling, I hit gold when it came to my friends. I’ve made myself go on a girls trip to Barcelona, see the Script, see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and make time for people I love. I spent a lot of time not wanting to see anybody and preferring to stay in the house but i recognised that needed to change.
Barcelona was a particular highlight and i laughed until my cheeks hurt with these wonderful ladies.
Thanks to these incredible women who have really stood by during the darkest of days my sparkle is slowly returning and i am so much stronger. There is a saying that states 'you are never given anything in life that you can't handle' so if you're having a hard time at the moment please stay strong, you will overcome it. As always it's good to talk, don't keep it to yourself. Thing's will start to turn around and before you know it you're back to doing things that you once thought were impossible . . .
Such as presenting to a room full of people . . . .